narwhal-noir:

I took my girlfriend to an improv show the other night and during intermission we were passionately arguing over whether half a 5 Hour Energy shot would give you 2.5 hours of energy or 5 hours of half-assed energy so we turned around to ask the opinions of the three people behind us and one of them said “Are all your arguments like this because we heard you in the lobby earlier fighting over the right way to pronounce ‘egg’?”

generalbooty:

yeah so i slept with this dude last night and idk we were chatting a bit  during the sexy time and for some reason his birthday came up and i was like “wait 25th of september? DUDE me TOO, wtf thats such a coincidence” and he was like “really? we have the same birthday? are u fuckin with me?” and i just looked down at his penis literally inside my vagina and was like “well technically yeah” and he was like haha nice one and high fived me

thebatwiggler:

if i ever catch my professor’s eyes while they lecture, I always end up nodding at them, partly because i want them to think im listening and partly because I feel that they need the confidence boost

generalbooty:

u ever get in a shower that has the water pressure of someone softly crying on u

michaxl:

can bob the builder fix my crumbling life

(Source: michaxl)

jellys:

people that point out acne:

  1. pack ur bags
  2. buy a plane ticket
  3. go to hell